Eleventh Kid

And then, just like that, things change at a really bad time.

You know, like they do.  

Sounds like parenthood to me.

Over Labor Day Weekend, we had Eleventh kid.  He was rad.  We loved him.  He was super sweet and funny, he knew how tragic his life had been, and could process the shit better than some adults.  He still struggled, though, and I thought to myself, this guy needs more one-on-one time.  Group homes are going to be hard on him.

We talked to his full-time foster parent about doing respite again in October and November with this kid, so he could get some breaks from the hub-bub and just chill.

Previously, BGA had asked if we were interested in going full-time, and because DW is still getting settled in her new classroom and building lesson plans, and then of course there's all my religiosity at year-end, we thought it best to not even consider it until the new year.

But then when you get a phone call that one of your favorite kids needs a better situation for the next 60 days and that plan includes you, SWEET BABY MOSES, how can you say no?  

I couldn't say no.  

We couldn't say no.

So we changed our plans.

He arrives in about an hour.  Wish us luck.

Cry Cry Cry

Okay, based on the number of concerned phone calls, texts, and emails I've received, you guys are worried about me.  I get it.  I haven't posted in a few weeks, and you wonder if I'm still crying.

Well, I am.  Although it's not from not being pregnant, it's other stuff relating to other people in my life.  Let's just say that Cancer and Heart Disease can suck a bag of dicks.  I've cried so damn much today.  And then I chopped onions for soup and that didn't help.

October marks the last month of my contract with Thuper Thperms.  In November, Thuper Thperms is asking for a break, and December and January I'm busy/traveling, so if October doesn't take, and we decide to renew, then nothing's gonna happen till February.

So October's strategy is SHOCK AND AWE; or, since we're talking about babies, SHOCK AND AWWWW!  We started two days before ovulation and the plan was to hit it every. damn. day. until that temperature spike.  But here we are, day three, and we're all so weary from worrying about and taking care of our loved ones (see above notes regarding Cancer and Heart Disease), that we couldn't muster it and punked out.  I hope we can pick it back up tomorrow, cos time's a-wastin'.

I'm trying to NOT think about what happens if this month doesn't take.  What I AM thinking about is the circular nature of life.  Out of something bad comes something good and vicey-versey.  With all the suck going on around me, could it be to usher in something wonderful?

Good-night, all.  If you want to come by for dinner tomorrow, I'll have an autumn-squash soup and gf/df biscuits.  And a syringe full of genetic material, although that doesn't go in your mouth. 

TWW Blues

I think everyone hates the Two-Week-Wait.  It's a strange existence to have to live one's days as if one is really pregnant (no sushi, no blue cheese, no wine) and be watching every twinge for glimmers of what might be.  And yet, trying not to get too hopeful so that disappointment might hurt less.

8 DPO, negative test.  Really, it was just too early, but, the box says "six days before your missed period," so I just had to check.  Just in case.

Today, 12 DPO, negative test.  Could still be too early, right?  Not all the hormones have started building up enough to be able to be processed by my kidneys, right?  It gets harder to remain optimistic, with two days to go before my period is due, even though false negatives are entirely within the realm of possibility.

Here are the symptoms I've noticed that could mean pregnancy, or could mean nothing:  2-day migraine, nausea early morning and late at night, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, darker areolas and montgomery glands, tender nipples, high temperatures, back pain, twinges in lower abdomen.  All these showed up about a week ago, and some of them show up for me in the days right before my period.  But when my period wasn't due for another 1-1/2 weeks, it made be start thinking what other hormone shifts might be going on in my body...

I went picnicking with two friends yesterday, both medical professionals.  I related to them my list of symptoms, and one said, "Is this your way of telling us you are pregnant?"  No, but it's me telling you about how unsure I am about what this might look like or feel like.

Their advice?  Talk to the baby like it's already here.  Like it's already growing in your belly.  Like it's already giggling in your arms.  Let that baby know how great life is going to be living in your house, with you, the Mama.

In the evening, I went to Prayer Circle.  Everyone there knows about my Fertility Quest.  They all tell me not to worry; that babies are on their way.  And I guess I'm not worried about that part; I know somehow, some way, children will end up in my lap.  But still, I guess, I worry.

The other thing that a couple of people said to me last night, was that I need to set up the baby's things, so I can show I'm prepared and expectant.  Set up a bed, set up a room... this seems to counter to what I've thought about this process all along.  Yes, I do have a few baby things, and yes, a few of them are out, but set up, not really.  It always seemed to me that you don't acquire too many things before the baby is born (or even conceived, yipes!) because you are asking for trouble.  But because the advice that I got from my picnic friends and my prayer friends, I'm starting to rethink this.

After prayers last night, I came home and took out all the junk that was piled in the cradle (I have the cradle that my sister and I were rocked in, built by my grandfather).  I put on a sheet, put on a cozy knit blanket, set a couple of rattles and toys and started talking.  "See?  Look what a cozy bed Mama has made for you. We can sleep, we can play, we can cuddle, and we can rock.  We can sing, we can dance, we can read, and we can dream."

It still feels really weird to do this.  Sure, I do it in my head all the time -- planning out a room, thinking about what I can offer a child -- but out loud, in real life and with purpose is something new and different, because I thought we really weren't supposed to.  Was I doing it backwards?  

So with my new thinking patterns, maybe something will shift in the Universe and we really can bring this being into existence.  I'm hoping.

Back in the saddle!

Hey there!

So let me fill you in a little bit, since it's been awhile since I posted!

May and June were duds.  As far as I could tell, I didn't ovulate.  But I was traveling for large chunks of time, and dealing with stress at home (like-troubles-with-my-partner stress).  Doesn't make for good baby-makin'.

So now we're looking at the end of July/ start of August to start up again, and I've got Thuper Thpermth on board.  I'm doing less traveling, and enjoying less stress... my partner left me and it seems to be more of a blessing than not.  Funny how things turn out that way sometimes.

Today is about self-care, and I've got the day off work.  After a beauty appointment, I'm getting a 1-1/2 hour massage.  Then probably coming home and baking or gardening.  The weather has cooled way off today and tootling around the house sounds like a marvelous way to spend a day.

I have a beautiful life.

Big Dyke Mama

If you know me at all, you might be aware that I don't do anything right.  Or fast.  Or within any average social conventions.

Nope.

Also, if you know me at all, you are likely aware of how much I love children and that I've wanted to be a mom since I was in preschool.

Really.

So, how does a person who wants babies -- but who does everything backwards -- have babies?  We're gonna find out.

Yep.

Big Dyke Mama on a fertility quest.

Yeehaw!