This week -- after being foster parents for one year -- we let our Foster Care License lapse.
Work is getting busier for both DW and I, and we really want to put our attentions toward adoption again. Foster care, while amazing and fulfilling, was just spreading us too thin. I would gladly go back at a different time.
But, the good news is that we are putting our attentions toward adoption!
Two years ago -- almost exactly to the day -- we submitted our application to adopt with Boys & Girls Aid, and that led us down the foster care path. They asked us for six months, we gave them two years.
It took us a year to get certified, so I almost expect the adoption process to be similarly long, so stay tuned for updates.
What did we learn over the past one or two years, with fourteen different kids in our home?
Sometimes, we can't blame the parents. I went into foster care thinking that the kids are in care because the parents messed up somehow. That isn't always the case. A bunch of our kiddos (maybe close to 50% -- yes, I'm serious) were sexual offenders and were removed from the home because they, themselves, were the ones who messed up. (Of course there were plenty of instances where they had been abused and then became abusers, but this, also, is not always the case.) We did our best to talk about boundaries and consent, and also forgiveness.
A bunch of these kiddos aren't operating at their chronological age. We can make assumptions that with love and care and attention, we can catch them up. But sometimes, all the abuse and trauma and neglect just stunts them, or propels them strangely forward. I've played baby dolls with a sixteen-year-old. I've had to remind kids that they aren't the parent, and I will take care of their needs. I've supported a kiddo who, at fifteen, was about to become a dad. And I will tell you that about half the kiddos in our house have needed to sleep with a light on. It's a wacky little combination of young and old souls that you have to address in the moment on an individual basis.
Generally, these kids aren't hoodlums or troublemakers. I made assumptions about this underserved population and what that would mean when these kids come in to my house. I had numerous people warn me and worry for me that I would be in over my head with my property being destroyed, my things being stolen, and heroin being shot up in my living room. Out of the fourteen kiddos, one stole $5 from my wallet (and later tried to pay me back), one hid a couple of DW's valuable sports cards as a joke (these were later found), and one used my brand-new mouthwash without permission. So, yeah. Not troublemakers.
Most times, they are sweet, polite, and helpful. A few times when I brought these kids around to be with my friends, my friends were like, "Wait, THIS is your foster kid? Such good manners!" So, yes, being in care doesn't mean meltdowns and rude behavior 24/7. I've had kids help me in the kitchen or help with meal planning. We've had kids who love love love yardwork and will gladly mow the lawn, plant ferns, water the blueberries, and then come back and ask for more work to do. And then ask if they can ask their regular, full-time foster mom if they can come back and help some more next week. Sometimes I think, you know you're a teenager, right? You know you're supposed to scoff and roll your eyes and whine about having to turn off the TV? Right?
So, in conclusion, let me just say that if you happen to have one or two years that you can foster a handful of teenagers, I would highly recommend it. Valuable for you, valuable for them, valuable for your community.
I went in to the room to turn off the light after eighth kid had fallen asleep with it on.
Me: Gah! The whole room smells like poop!
DW: Welcome to child-rearing.
Coming to you from another early Saturday morning at Big Dyke Mama's house. Everyone's still asleep, so I've been accomplishing a number of tasks off the Lesbian Agenda:
- Water the front yard
- Water the back yard
- "Feed" the sourdough starter
- Run the dishwasher
- Put sheets in the dryer
- Think about what's for breakfast
Good times.
So, last week we had the Fifth Kid, who was rad. Really sweet and funny, but SO SHY. He hardly talked, he didn't eat much. It's really fine, because I'm not here to force anybody to do anything, and I know he had a lot of things going on in his life; a lot to think about. Fifth kid kind of doing his own thing was fine by me.
Sixth Kid (same as the First, and the Third) is with us again this weekend. We celebrated a stellar report card (A's and a B) by going out to dinner, and did a big shop for fun things to do this weekend, including the Pride Parade. (She wants to go, and who am I to deny this impressionable person such an experience?) We'll be marching with my team from work.
You know what else falls on this weekend? I mean, besides your birthday. This weekend is my 20th High School Reunion. And although I promised to myself years ago that there could scarcely be an excuse for me to miss such an event (I was one of those wackos that LOVED high school), this year was just too hard. Three weeks till we get married, Pride Weekend, and the flights were crazy expensive! Plus, my folks are in the middle of packing/moving/selling their house, and that's just another wrench in their monkeys to have me as a houseguest. Blarg. I'm going to miss seeing my High School friends. Go Big Blue!
Speaking of High School, DM got a job this week. Full time, High School Math Teacher. She had doubts about her ability to get hired right out of the gate (she's finishing a Masters), but she full-on got her dream job. So so so so happy for her. And I get to help her set up her classroom which is totally something I love to do! I used to help my Mom set up her classroom every August! YAY!
Okay, back to the Lesbian Agenda!
Good Morning! Everyone's still asleep, so let's just rattle down a list of things we've accomplished and then I'll talk about mah kids.
The Honey-Do List? Done.
Certification? Done.
Training Meeting? Done.
Engagement? Done.
Wedding & Honeymoon? Mostly planned. July. Stay tuned.
*****
We started having kids in our home in late April. Respite Foster Care. Just teenagers, just one at a time, just on weekends.
First kid? Rad. Funny, talented, sweet, helpful, kind. The three of us connected really well. We put it out into the Universe that we'd be happy to host her again, should it ever come up. She put it out into the Universe, too.
Second kid? Rad. Super-polite, helpful, funny, hard-working, sweet. I was kind of worried about having a teenage boy cos I don't have a lot of experience with teenage boys, but he made it easy on us. I think we unlocked an achievement level when we were a lesbian couple at the farmers market with our mixed-race teenager.
Third kid? Same at the first. A little bit huggy, and a not-at-all worse. The Universe (or, you know, her social worker) put us back together. And we're having a great time. Went to the Teddy Bear Parade in Oregon City -- and we both had a great time throwing candy at the crowd! She came with me for a little bit of religious-birthday celebration time, and then we got a see DM off to her gig chaperoning Prom at her school. Then a little shopping trip (this kid loves to shop like I do), then Mike's for cheeseburgers (and fried pickles, COME ON), then a Movie (The Book of Life -- which I need to go buy due to it's feminist lead female) and she played with my hair and makeup (I am so damn pretty)! We may go back to the Clackamette Festival today.... who wants to ride the Ferris Wheel?!?!
Observations in Parenthood, Month One:
I totally thought I would parent like my mother. Our personalities are very similar. But, lo and behold, I parent more like my father. It's kind of hard to explain without making both of my parents sound ridiculous (and they are not quite ridiculous), so I'll just leave it at that.
I thought I'd be super uptight about schedules and meal plans and all that and I'm not. I'm really pretty good about rolling with the punches and altering the schedule as needed. I'm not sure that this will translate exactly when we get to the point of full-time parenting, but for now I'm comfortable with this.
I really am exhausted as fuck, but I am also stupid happy to be doing this. My blood pressure has actually been going DOWN.
But the thing that totally blew my mind is how freakin' turned on I am by DM at the end of the weekend. She is an excellent parent, she is cool and funny, she is a good listener, and she is just generally good at connecting with these kids. It makes sense -- biologically speaking -- that I should be turned on by a partner who has good parenting skills, that I should want to reproduce with said individual. So all this boils down to is that I am totally marrying the right person.
YAY!
