Hello, lovelies. I've missed you.
There were a couple of times I had something to post, but I never really felt like actually sitting down and doing it. But today seems like a good day.
So, it's been a few months since we lost Little Homer. My body is mostly back to normal, minus that my periods are far heavier than they've been in many years. But I can handle that, and my acupuncturist helps.
My heart is healing, I'm far less grumpy generally speaking, but I get caught in moments sometimes when I can't stop the tears from coming. And that's really okay.
I had a religious weekend a little over a month ago, and I was confronted with someone who I love very much. As soon as I saw her, I hugged her, and I fell apart. Big, loud sobs. I couldn't help it. I wanted the rest of the world to go away. I just needed to cry in her arms, so I let myself cry in her arms. She said, "This is why you have me in your life. You can come and talk with me and cry with me whenever you want." Then she reminded me, "You have to let the sadness out of your heart so that you can make room for more blessings."
RIGHT.
I am allowed to be sad, and I'm allowed to be sad for as long as I need. But I also don't need to hang on to bad feelings out of guilt. I am not disrespecting the memory of Little Homer -- or the lessons that his/her passing taught me -- by moving on and allowing more blessings into my life. That's actually probably part of the lesson!
So, what am I doing? Everyone wants to know if I'm going to try again, and honestly, I just don't know. I've signed up with some Fost-Adopt websites and resources trying to get a handle on what I need to do to start that process. Adoption is fairly common in my family, so I know I can tap that knowledge base and get their full support. I also have friends and acquaintances who've done the same thing and I can tap them when I'm ready.
I've also been working on opening my heart and thinking about dating again. I've just been too tenderhearted to try to throw any more emotions in the mix while I'm still licking my wounds. But I'm starting to think a summer with a few dates will be fun.
Also: Gardening. My vegetables went in last weekend -- right before the rain started again -- and I'm really excited about that. I go and look at them every day. And smile. Eggplant, two kinds of beans and three kinds of tomatoes.
More later. My quest toward motherhood is not over.
Peace -- Big Dyke Mama
