A Few Months Later...

Hello, lovelies.  I've missed you.

There were a couple of times I had something to post, but I never really felt like actually sitting down and doing it.  But today seems like a good day.

So, it's been a few months since we lost Little Homer.  My body is mostly back to normal, minus that my periods are far heavier than they've been in many years.  But I can handle that, and my acupuncturist helps.

My heart is healing, I'm far less grumpy generally speaking, but I get caught in moments sometimes when I can't stop the tears from coming.  And that's really okay.

I had a religious weekend a little over a month ago, and I was confronted with someone who I love very much.  As soon as I saw her, I hugged her, and I fell apart.  Big, loud sobs.  I couldn't help it.  I wanted the rest of the world to go away.  I just needed to cry in her arms, so I let myself cry in her arms.  She said, "This is why you have me in your life.  You can come and talk with me and cry with me whenever you want."  Then she reminded me, "You have to let the sadness out of your heart so that you can make room for more blessings."

RIGHT.

I am allowed to be sad, and I'm allowed to be sad for as long as I need.  But I also don't need to hang on to bad feelings out of guilt.  I am not disrespecting the memory of Little Homer -- or the lessons that his/her passing taught me -- by moving on and allowing more blessings into my life.  That's actually probably part of the lesson!

So, what am I doing?  Everyone wants to know if I'm going to try again, and honestly, I just don't know.  I've signed up with some Fost-Adopt websites and resources trying to get a handle on what I need to do to start that process.  Adoption is fairly common in my family, so I know I can tap that knowledge base and get their full support.  I also have friends and acquaintances who've done the same thing and I can tap them when I'm ready.

I've also been working on opening my heart and thinking about dating again.  I've just been too tenderhearted to try to throw any more emotions in the mix while I'm still licking my wounds.  But I'm starting to think a summer with a few dates will be fun.  

Also: Gardening.  My vegetables went in last weekend -- right before the rain started again -- and I'm really excited about that.  I go and look at them every day.  And smile.  Eggplant, two kinds of beans and three kinds of tomatoes.

 

More later.  My quest toward motherhood is not over.

Peace -- Big Dyke Mama

Back in the saddle!

Hey there!

So let me fill you in a little bit, since it's been awhile since I posted!

May and June were duds.  As far as I could tell, I didn't ovulate.  But I was traveling for large chunks of time, and dealing with stress at home (like-troubles-with-my-partner stress).  Doesn't make for good baby-makin'.

So now we're looking at the end of July/ start of August to start up again, and I've got Thuper Thpermth on board.  I'm doing less traveling, and enjoying less stress... my partner left me and it seems to be more of a blessing than not.  Funny how things turn out that way sometimes.

Today is about self-care, and I've got the day off work.  After a beauty appointment, I'm getting a 1-1/2 hour massage.  Then probably coming home and baking or gardening.  The weather has cooled way off today and tootling around the house sounds like a marvelous way to spend a day.

I have a beautiful life.

Now, wave your legs in the air!

Wave 'em like you just don't care!

Hi there, Big Dyke Mama coming to you live from her bedroom, where she is presently waving her legs in the air post-insemination.  TMI, you say?  Tough titties.  This is my fertility blog, and I can blog with my legs in the air if I want to.

So it turns out that I still have a 14-day luteal phase, even with the longer cycle.  Duly noted.  Because nothing happened last weekend, I suspected that we might see signs this weekend if we were going to see them at all.

So true!  Eggwhite, craving crunchy salad, horny, positive OPK.  Done.  Invited Thuper Thpermth over for dins and, well, etcetera.

So that leaves us here, legs up, and bored.  But we're getting to about that time that I can get up and move around.  You know, have some ice cream, take Thuper Thpermth home, watch movies on the sofa and whatnot.  Really wish I could hop in the bath, but that's a bad idea tonight.  Fingers crossed, friends!  Think baby-shaped thoughts!

 

Gonna take awhile for this egg to hatch

(Thanks, Liz Phair!)

Nothing's happened here yet at the Ovum Office.  I thought we might begin seeing signs of ovulation on Saturday, but nay.  Here we are on Tuesday, and nothing.

Crazy long cycle!

I've given Thuper Thpermth a heads-up and they're thanding by.

Fuzzy Math

So, due to the Chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist (which WILL improve my chances of getting pregnant, he assures me), my cycles are waaaay longer than usual.  

When I'm getting laid regularly (like I am these days -- yay, sexy partner!), my cycle evens out at about 30 days, without much variation.  (I apologize if this is TMI, but when I'm not getting laid, my cycles are all! over! the! place!)  Since I've been on these herbs, it stretched out to 38 days.

I know what you are thinking -- Hey!  Fewer periods?  Where can I get me some Wen Jing Tang? -- and I'm right there with you.  But whilst we quest ever-onward toward fertility, it makes things a little difficult.  Do I start to map out my predicted fertile days based off a 14-day luteal phase?  Or a 22-day luteal phase?  Or something in-between?  I've been seriously charting for about 9 months, and only 1 of those months is 38 days long.  How I am supposed to tell?

I like to give the donor some notice so that schedules can be cleared and what-not.  I like to give a fairly tight window, and I've been able to track that so far.  Where I used to be able to get a 3-5 day window, this time I can only narrow it down to a 9-day window.

I'm not stressed about it on my end, I'm mostly just stressed about it as far as being fair to the donor.  

But who says that life -- especially the fertility-questing part of life -- is fair?