Cry Cry Cry

Okay, based on the number of concerned phone calls, texts, and emails I've received, you guys are worried about me.  I get it.  I haven't posted in a few weeks, and you wonder if I'm still crying.

Well, I am.  Although it's not from not being pregnant, it's other stuff relating to other people in my life.  Let's just say that Cancer and Heart Disease can suck a bag of dicks.  I've cried so damn much today.  And then I chopped onions for soup and that didn't help.

October marks the last month of my contract with Thuper Thperms.  In November, Thuper Thperms is asking for a break, and December and January I'm busy/traveling, so if October doesn't take, and we decide to renew, then nothing's gonna happen till February.

So October's strategy is SHOCK AND AWE; or, since we're talking about babies, SHOCK AND AWWWW!  We started two days before ovulation and the plan was to hit it every. damn. day. until that temperature spike.  But here we are, day three, and we're all so weary from worrying about and taking care of our loved ones (see above notes regarding Cancer and Heart Disease), that we couldn't muster it and punked out.  I hope we can pick it back up tomorrow, cos time's a-wastin'.

I'm trying to NOT think about what happens if this month doesn't take.  What I AM thinking about is the circular nature of life.  Out of something bad comes something good and vicey-versey.  With all the suck going on around me, could it be to usher in something wonderful?

Good-night, all.  If you want to come by for dinner tomorrow, I'll have an autumn-squash soup and gf/df biscuits.  And a syringe full of genetic material, although that doesn't go in your mouth. 

Now, wave your legs in the air!

Wave 'em like you just don't care!

Hi there, Big Dyke Mama coming to you live from her bedroom, where she is presently waving her legs in the air post-insemination.  TMI, you say?  Tough titties.  This is my fertility blog, and I can blog with my legs in the air if I want to.

So it turns out that I still have a 14-day luteal phase, even with the longer cycle.  Duly noted.  Because nothing happened last weekend, I suspected that we might see signs this weekend if we were going to see them at all.

So true!  Eggwhite, craving crunchy salad, horny, positive OPK.  Done.  Invited Thuper Thpermth over for dins and, well, etcetera.

So that leaves us here, legs up, and bored.  But we're getting to about that time that I can get up and move around.  You know, have some ice cream, take Thuper Thpermth home, watch movies on the sofa and whatnot.  Really wish I could hop in the bath, but that's a bad idea tonight.  Fingers crossed, friends!  Think baby-shaped thoughts!

 

Gonna take awhile for this egg to hatch

(Thanks, Liz Phair!)

Nothing's happened here yet at the Ovum Office.  I thought we might begin seeing signs of ovulation on Saturday, but nay.  Here we are on Tuesday, and nothing.

Crazy long cycle!

I've given Thuper Thpermth a heads-up and they're thanding by.

Fuzzy Math

So, due to the Chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist (which WILL improve my chances of getting pregnant, he assures me), my cycles are waaaay longer than usual.  

When I'm getting laid regularly (like I am these days -- yay, sexy partner!), my cycle evens out at about 30 days, without much variation.  (I apologize if this is TMI, but when I'm not getting laid, my cycles are all! over! the! place!)  Since I've been on these herbs, it stretched out to 38 days.

I know what you are thinking -- Hey!  Fewer periods?  Where can I get me some Wen Jing Tang? -- and I'm right there with you.  But whilst we quest ever-onward toward fertility, it makes things a little difficult.  Do I start to map out my predicted fertile days based off a 14-day luteal phase?  Or a 22-day luteal phase?  Or something in-between?  I've been seriously charting for about 9 months, and only 1 of those months is 38 days long.  How I am supposed to tell?

I like to give the donor some notice so that schedules can be cleared and what-not.  I like to give a fairly tight window, and I've been able to track that so far.  Where I used to be able to get a 3-5 day window, this time I can only narrow it down to a 9-day window.

I'm not stressed about it on my end, I'm mostly just stressed about it as far as being fair to the donor.  

But who says that life -- especially the fertility-questing part of life -- is fair?

This Ain't Easy

One of the reasons why I've stepped up my fertility quest recently is because I recently found a donor.  Yes, it's someone I know and love.  I was a big chicken about asking -- seriously, that's fucking scary! -- but this person mentioned their interest in another conversation, and, well, it developed from there.

We've had some beautiful discussions and contract negotiations, that further my positive feelings that this is the right person.  We are not interested in co-parenting, but even still, we are on the same page on many issues.  I love having real, adult conversations about really emotionally-charged topics, and having them like very mature adults!  I'm so glad that we're all grown-ups and can handle these things with grace and composure.  THIS AIN'T EASY, but doing it with the right people makes a huge difference.

So the contract is largely written, but still needs some tweaks.  Some great resources that I've used in building my contract are Single Mothers by Choice. and www.MaiaMidwifery.com.  My very good friend Z has been acting as legal counsel during negotiations, and while she pushes buttons and brings up topics we don't want to think/talk about, she's making sure that all bases are covered.

I'm feeling quite proud of myself lately.  THIS AIN'T EASY, but I'm checking all the little boxes and getting it done.  Tonight, I plan on curling up on the sofa with my herbal tea and perusing the book that arrived at my door today: Big, Beautiful & Pregnant.  Fatties need love too, and I've been hearing good things about this book.

Good night!  --BDM