Well, HELLO 2014!

Happy New Year!

A lot has happened in the past few months, so let me fill you in.  And I won't wait so long next time.

I started dating again.  

But that's not exactly what happened.  

My friend V was approached on Ye Olde OKC by the Darling M.  But V, selfless as she is, said Darling M should check out the profile of one Big Dyke Mama.  Funny thing that Darling M and I had been checking out each others' profiles for years and had never done anything about it.  Huh!

So the Darling M (let's just shorten that up to DM) and I went on a date, then another, then another, then another.  And then we were girlfriends.  And then the L-bomb was dropped.

And there was much rejoicing in all the land!

DM is smart and funny and weird and sweet.  And HAWT.  And she wants kids as much as I do.  SCORE.

So, while we've been growing our relationship, we've also been talking about paths toward motherhood.  I could go into detail here, but I won't; it could fill whole other blog posts.

Anyway, one thing we are both interested in is adopting out of Foster Care.  We attended an Adoption Information Fair put on by Adoption Mosaic in November, which cemented things for us.  Tomorrow we attend an Adoption Orientation through Boys & Girls Aid.

The timing feels good.  Last week was the one-year anniversary of losing Homer.  It was an awful day, but things continue to look brighter.  Onward, friends!

A Few Months Later...

Hello, lovelies.  I've missed you.

There were a couple of times I had something to post, but I never really felt like actually sitting down and doing it.  But today seems like a good day.

So, it's been a few months since we lost Little Homer.  My body is mostly back to normal, minus that my periods are far heavier than they've been in many years.  But I can handle that, and my acupuncturist helps.

My heart is healing, I'm far less grumpy generally speaking, but I get caught in moments sometimes when I can't stop the tears from coming.  And that's really okay.

I had a religious weekend a little over a month ago, and I was confronted with someone who I love very much.  As soon as I saw her, I hugged her, and I fell apart.  Big, loud sobs.  I couldn't help it.  I wanted the rest of the world to go away.  I just needed to cry in her arms, so I let myself cry in her arms.  She said, "This is why you have me in your life.  You can come and talk with me and cry with me whenever you want."  Then she reminded me, "You have to let the sadness out of your heart so that you can make room for more blessings."

RIGHT.

I am allowed to be sad, and I'm allowed to be sad for as long as I need.  But I also don't need to hang on to bad feelings out of guilt.  I am not disrespecting the memory of Little Homer -- or the lessons that his/her passing taught me -- by moving on and allowing more blessings into my life.  That's actually probably part of the lesson!

So, what am I doing?  Everyone wants to know if I'm going to try again, and honestly, I just don't know.  I've signed up with some Fost-Adopt websites and resources trying to get a handle on what I need to do to start that process.  Adoption is fairly common in my family, so I know I can tap that knowledge base and get their full support.  I also have friends and acquaintances who've done the same thing and I can tap them when I'm ready.

I've also been working on opening my heart and thinking about dating again.  I've just been too tenderhearted to try to throw any more emotions in the mix while I'm still licking my wounds.  But I'm starting to think a summer with a few dates will be fun.  

Also: Gardening.  My vegetables went in last weekend -- right before the rain started again -- and I'm really excited about that.  I go and look at them every day.  And smile.  Eggplant, two kinds of beans and three kinds of tomatoes.

 

More later.  My quest toward motherhood is not over.

Peace -- Big Dyke Mama

Just put me to bed.

I am really over-tired lately.  I mean, really, I'm growing a whole new organ AND a whole new person.  This is hard work and lovely work that my body is doing.

I broke up with my girlfriend today.  Let's just say it's me and not her, and I hope we stay friends, because she's awesome.

I just need to go to bed and sleep off the day.

I think I'd better eat a little more protein first.

Here We Go!

Did I mention that we're having a tough week?  Blah.

We were able to get in three inseminations (Monday, Tuesday and Thursday), and that was all we could muster in our SHOCK AND AWWWW strategy amidst the chaos.  I'm feeling pretty confident, and just trying to carry on business-as-usual.

My girlfriend and I were able to go out on a real date last night -- it had been about three weeks due to the various nonsense going on in our respective lives.  I ate my fish portion for the week, as now I have to start eating for Schrodinger's Zygote.  I also had an adult beverage, but don't tell anyone (what?  It's not like anything would have implanted yet).

This afternoon is prayers at M.O.L.'s place.... I have handfuls of people I need to pray for today, including myself.

Would appreciate any and all smooth-sailing and baby-shaped thoughts and prayers you want to send out into the Universe!  Welcome to the TWW!

Two thoughts.

So in addition to squeezing in a couple of inseminations this week, I've also been able to squeeze in a couple of dates.

WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU DATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!

I don't know.  I just can.  Plus, she's cute and fun.

WELL, DID YOU TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE UP TO?!

Yep.  Right at the start.  It's kind of a big deal.

BUT ISN'T SHE FREAKING OUT?!

Probably, but so far so good, I think.

BUT HOW ON EARTH WILL SHE HANDLE....?!

She will, or she won't.  And we'll all just communicate and process until we stop.  And whatever will be will be.  And we'll figure out what to do with that.

WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT....

I know, honey.  I know.  This is all very complicated.  I probably won't handle it the way you want.  I might not even handle it the way I want.  I'm just going to roll with it and see what happens.

In the meantime, I have two alternating thoughts:

1) Sticky-baby-starfish thoughts, and

2) I-hope-there's-more-kissing thoughts.

Sweet Dreams!