BFN #4

My period came a day early this time.  So, not pregnant.

My girlfriend held me while I cried.  God, I cried so hard.  Thick, hot tears.

I knew this wouldn't be easy.  Nothing is easy for me.

But still.

Later we went out to the farm for a Virgo Birthday Luau.  Snuggled with the littles who came with their parents, talked with other friends who are also wishing for babies, drank all the wine I wanted, and slept snuggled up with a sweet lady under the stars.

Schrodinger's Zygote

Ahhh... back in the throes of the Two-Week Wait.

While sleeping at night, I keep dreaming of babies.  One where I had a boy and he had siblings.  One where I had a girl and was nursing and trying to figure out the daycare situation.

I keep feeling like we're nearing the end, like we've almost got it.  Upon spying the little container on my countertop that Thuper Thpermth uses for deposits, my first thought was, "Oh!  I've got to return that soon since we're done with it," and then, "Oh! Wait...."   That was weird, and kinda cool.  Like, are we really done?  Does my Spidey-Sense tingle with knowledge that the rest of me does not know yet?  Did we make a baby?

But this morning, my poor little hemorrhoid-y butt (overshare?) just really wanted a soak in the tub.  And I, not thinking especially clearly, drew myself a lovely hot bath.  I soaked for about 15 minutes before I remembered my Obstetrician's advice to only take body-temperature baths. I leapt out and sat naked near an open window to lower my body temp a bit.

I'm REALLY SORRY, Schrodinger's Zygote*.  I hope that the fact that I bypassed the free wine at last night's Planned Parenthood Gala makes up for my temporary oversight.

Still have a few more days till we know anything.... temps are high, I'm tired all the time, and I find myself snacking all day to keep my belly settled.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

* I thought I was clever with this Schrodinger's Zygote thing... since you have to live simultaneously as if both scenarios are true.  But upon Google inspection, it turns out other people have thought of it, too.  Something to do with Doctor Who?  Everyone keeps recommending this show to me, and it's in my Netflix queue....

In which Aunt Flo Visits My House of Fun

Okay, 3 BFNs and I still wasn't convinced that the tests were right.  I mean, My period was two days late, I felt like crap, and even my acupuncturist winked at me when he was talking about "healthy" reasons that my pulse might be up.

And then I started spotting, and then, well, it was a gusher.  So, yeah.  Those tests were right.  Not pregnant for realzies.

So, today I have a sushi date, and then I'm going to spend the weekend with friends at a cabin in the woods picking huckleberries.  This will be healing, I'm quite convinced, especially if there is wine involved.

In the meantime, I will working on visualization, setting up, and talking to this babe like it's already here.  And I'm sure that the Syringe-Wielding Goddess will be down with having her hands in my junk again.

Onward!

TWW Blues

I think everyone hates the Two-Week-Wait.  It's a strange existence to have to live one's days as if one is really pregnant (no sushi, no blue cheese, no wine) and be watching every twinge for glimmers of what might be.  And yet, trying not to get too hopeful so that disappointment might hurt less.

8 DPO, negative test.  Really, it was just too early, but, the box says "six days before your missed period," so I just had to check.  Just in case.

Today, 12 DPO, negative test.  Could still be too early, right?  Not all the hormones have started building up enough to be able to be processed by my kidneys, right?  It gets harder to remain optimistic, with two days to go before my period is due, even though false negatives are entirely within the realm of possibility.

Here are the symptoms I've noticed that could mean pregnancy, or could mean nothing:  2-day migraine, nausea early morning and late at night, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, darker areolas and montgomery glands, tender nipples, high temperatures, back pain, twinges in lower abdomen.  All these showed up about a week ago, and some of them show up for me in the days right before my period.  But when my period wasn't due for another 1-1/2 weeks, it made be start thinking what other hormone shifts might be going on in my body...

I went picnicking with two friends yesterday, both medical professionals.  I related to them my list of symptoms, and one said, "Is this your way of telling us you are pregnant?"  No, but it's me telling you about how unsure I am about what this might look like or feel like.

Their advice?  Talk to the baby like it's already here.  Like it's already growing in your belly.  Like it's already giggling in your arms.  Let that baby know how great life is going to be living in your house, with you, the Mama.

In the evening, I went to Prayer Circle.  Everyone there knows about my Fertility Quest.  They all tell me not to worry; that babies are on their way.  And I guess I'm not worried about that part; I know somehow, some way, children will end up in my lap.  But still, I guess, I worry.

The other thing that a couple of people said to me last night, was that I need to set up the baby's things, so I can show I'm prepared and expectant.  Set up a bed, set up a room... this seems to counter to what I've thought about this process all along.  Yes, I do have a few baby things, and yes, a few of them are out, but set up, not really.  It always seemed to me that you don't acquire too many things before the baby is born (or even conceived, yipes!) because you are asking for trouble.  But because the advice that I got from my picnic friends and my prayer friends, I'm starting to rethink this.

After prayers last night, I came home and took out all the junk that was piled in the cradle (I have the cradle that my sister and I were rocked in, built by my grandfather).  I put on a sheet, put on a cozy knit blanket, set a couple of rattles and toys and started talking.  "See?  Look what a cozy bed Mama has made for you. We can sleep, we can play, we can cuddle, and we can rock.  We can sing, we can dance, we can read, and we can dream."

It still feels really weird to do this.  Sure, I do it in my head all the time -- planning out a room, thinking about what I can offer a child -- but out loud, in real life and with purpose is something new and different, because I thought we really weren't supposed to.  Was I doing it backwards?  

So with my new thinking patterns, maybe something will shift in the Universe and we really can bring this being into existence.  I'm hoping.

Two thoughts.

So in addition to squeezing in a couple of inseminations this week, I've also been able to squeeze in a couple of dates.

WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU DATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!

I don't know.  I just can.  Plus, she's cute and fun.

WELL, DID YOU TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE UP TO?!

Yep.  Right at the start.  It's kind of a big deal.

BUT ISN'T SHE FREAKING OUT?!

Probably, but so far so good, I think.

BUT HOW ON EARTH WILL SHE HANDLE....?!

She will, or she won't.  And we'll all just communicate and process until we stop.  And whatever will be will be.  And we'll figure out what to do with that.

WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT....

I know, honey.  I know.  This is all very complicated.  I probably won't handle it the way you want.  I might not even handle it the way I want.  I'm just going to roll with it and see what happens.

In the meantime, I have two alternating thoughts:

1) Sticky-baby-starfish thoughts, and

2) I-hope-there's-more-kissing thoughts.

Sweet Dreams!

Syringe-Wielding Goddess, or, It Takes a Village

Now that I am partner-less and doing this baby thing on my own (which I have absolutely no problem with, let me state for the record), I still do need somebody to help me out on insemination days... to be the go-between from Thuper Thpermth and Big Dyke Mama, to help get my butt properly propped up on pillows, and to wield that syringe and inject that genetic material in a way that I just can't with my little T-Rex arms.

Obviously, I need somebody who isn't going to fuck it up and someone who isn't going to be weirded out by having their hands all up in my junk.

I had a short list of friends to ask -- really, really short -- and thank goodness my top pick (the lovely D) said, "yes."  She's a doula and a mom, and we may or may not have tiny crushes on each other.  Yay!

So now that that part is squared away, I think we're all on board to start up this baby makin' again next week.  It takes a village...

Back in the saddle!

Hey there!

So let me fill you in a little bit, since it's been awhile since I posted!

May and June were duds.  As far as I could tell, I didn't ovulate.  But I was traveling for large chunks of time, and dealing with stress at home (like-troubles-with-my-partner stress).  Doesn't make for good baby-makin'.

So now we're looking at the end of July/ start of August to start up again, and I've got Thuper Thpermth on board.  I'm doing less traveling, and enjoying less stress... my partner left me and it seems to be more of a blessing than not.  Funny how things turn out that way sometimes.

Today is about self-care, and I've got the day off work.  After a beauty appointment, I'm getting a 1-1/2 hour massage.  Then probably coming home and baking or gardening.  The weather has cooled way off today and tootling around the house sounds like a marvelous way to spend a day.

I have a beautiful life.