TWW Blues

I think everyone hates the Two-Week-Wait.  It's a strange existence to have to live one's days as if one is really pregnant (no sushi, no blue cheese, no wine) and be watching every twinge for glimmers of what might be.  And yet, trying not to get too hopeful so that disappointment might hurt less.

8 DPO, negative test.  Really, it was just too early, but, the box says "six days before your missed period," so I just had to check.  Just in case.

Today, 12 DPO, negative test.  Could still be too early, right?  Not all the hormones have started building up enough to be able to be processed by my kidneys, right?  It gets harder to remain optimistic, with two days to go before my period is due, even though false negatives are entirely within the realm of possibility.

Here are the symptoms I've noticed that could mean pregnancy, or could mean nothing:  2-day migraine, nausea early morning and late at night, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, darker areolas and montgomery glands, tender nipples, high temperatures, back pain, twinges in lower abdomen.  All these showed up about a week ago, and some of them show up for me in the days right before my period.  But when my period wasn't due for another 1-1/2 weeks, it made be start thinking what other hormone shifts might be going on in my body...

I went picnicking with two friends yesterday, both medical professionals.  I related to them my list of symptoms, and one said, "Is this your way of telling us you are pregnant?"  No, but it's me telling you about how unsure I am about what this might look like or feel like.

Their advice?  Talk to the baby like it's already here.  Like it's already growing in your belly.  Like it's already giggling in your arms.  Let that baby know how great life is going to be living in your house, with you, the Mama.

In the evening, I went to Prayer Circle.  Everyone there knows about my Fertility Quest.  They all tell me not to worry; that babies are on their way.  And I guess I'm not worried about that part; I know somehow, some way, children will end up in my lap.  But still, I guess, I worry.

The other thing that a couple of people said to me last night, was that I need to set up the baby's things, so I can show I'm prepared and expectant.  Set up a bed, set up a room... this seems to counter to what I've thought about this process all along.  Yes, I do have a few baby things, and yes, a few of them are out, but set up, not really.  It always seemed to me that you don't acquire too many things before the baby is born (or even conceived, yipes!) because you are asking for trouble.  But because the advice that I got from my picnic friends and my prayer friends, I'm starting to rethink this.

After prayers last night, I came home and took out all the junk that was piled in the cradle (I have the cradle that my sister and I were rocked in, built by my grandfather).  I put on a sheet, put on a cozy knit blanket, set a couple of rattles and toys and started talking.  "See?  Look what a cozy bed Mama has made for you. We can sleep, we can play, we can cuddle, and we can rock.  We can sing, we can dance, we can read, and we can dream."

It still feels really weird to do this.  Sure, I do it in my head all the time -- planning out a room, thinking about what I can offer a child -- but out loud, in real life and with purpose is something new and different, because I thought we really weren't supposed to.  Was I doing it backwards?  

So with my new thinking patterns, maybe something will shift in the Universe and we really can bring this being into existence.  I'm hoping.