Mama's Little Revolutionary

Today I had a second ultrasound -- internal again, woo! -- and everything looks great with a tiny Homer.

Heartbeat is still there and strong.  We saw all the little boney bumps along the spine, so there are no neural-tube defects.  Baby's got dancey legs and a body that does flips and flips and flips and flips.  But my favoritest part was Homer shaking the tiniest fists in the air (or, you know, amniotic fluid).  I cannot explain to you the way my heart leapt and the squeal of joy and laughter that came out of my mouth.

Mama's Little Revolutionary.  I am so fucking proud of you.

The Little Mermaid

Hello, fans of Homer!  Maybe it's been awhile, and you are judging me for not posting, but, you know, sometimes life gets busy.  I had two birthdays (I'm lucky that way), and, you know, other stuff, so, you know.  Busy.  But I missed you.

Physical Therapy is going well; I've been able to taper off to just once a week.  The therapists have set me up with a series of exercises that I do in the conference room at work, and things are feeling much better.  I can sit for an hour now!!  It's amazing!

My next prenatal visit (with ultrasound!) is on Monday, and I'm getting super-excited about that.  Dr. T the OB warned me at the last appointment that nausea may come later, and I think he was right.  I'm having a much harder time keeping on top of nausea this week.  I'm now at the point where I've got a stack of saltines by my bed to snack on through the night (you have to know how much CRACKERS in BED is actually killing my soul), and I opted to drive to work today instead of taking the bus because I wasn't sure I was going to keep those crackers down.

I made it, and made it through the day with only one trip to the bathroom to vomit.  Good enough.

Also, the Tired (yes, with a capital "T") is getting stronger.  I keep trying to push my bedtime back, but life (read: Facebook & porn) is too interesting.  So the mornings are rotten.  I'm so slow to get going, I push the snooze button too many times, and I arrive to work late.  Bah.  I'll finish up here and go straight to bed tonight.  I swear.

Last thing before I turn in: I had acupuncture on Friday, and while my acupuncturist left me on the table (sunny-side up) to cook for a while, I SWEAR ON ANYTHING that I felt Homer flip over.  Didn't feel like gas or a poop, it felt like a ping-pong ball rolling over.  The internets disagree as to whether or not this is possible for a first baby at 10 weeks, but you know what?  I don't care, internets.  That was Homer, playing The Little Mermaid with his imaginary Hot Crustacean Band, and you can't convince me otherwise.

THE END.

Introducing Little Shrimpy Shrimp Homer

Monday's OB appointment went really well!  Auntie Z came with me as my support person, and she and Dr. T had a good laugh about the ultrasound wand and how it should come with different buzzy attachments.  Dr. T said, "Well, we wouldn't be able to get a very good picture if she's squirming around too much!"

So here's my pic of a tiny Homer.  Homer doesn't look much like a blueberry; looks more like a shrimp.  So Homer's been my "Shrimpy Shrimp" or my "Little Fishy" this week.  I got to see a fast, fluttery little heartbeat, which was really my main goal for the day.  

While my LMP dated my pregnancy at 8w3d, and knowing my conception date put it closer to 7w3d, when they ran all the measurements it averaged out at 6w5d.  But the truth is, because we weren't yet at 8 weeks, it's really too small to get a good handle on the dating just yet.  So we go back December 10 for another ultrasound and some better dates.

In the meantime, my due date is July 4.  Auntie V is due April 15, so we find ourselves feeling quite patriotic with a Tax-Day baby and an Independence-Day baby!

My Favorite Flavor.

This week, Little Homer is the size of a blueberry.

How fucking cute is that?!

First doctor appointment is on Monday.  Here's lookin' at you, blueberry.

And Now We Enter the Weepy Portion....

Maybe it's because it's Election Night and I really want to make sure that Little Homer gets a start under Obama.  Maybe the tension of it all is getting to me.

Or maybe it's just really is that portion of the pregnancy where every. goddamn. thing. is going to make me cry.

I'm also in quite a bit of pain.  Yesterday I had trouble sitting still because, well, sitting hurts.  Walking feels great.  Laying on my back with my knees up feels great (how long's that gonna last?).  Everything else feels like dung.

Went to urgent care this morning, because radiating back/hip pain was making my knees go numb.  That doesn't sound like a good thing.  I figured it was related to pregnancy, and I was right.  I get six weeks of physical therapy because the Relaxin hormone kicked in early and it's loosening up my core too much and my core can't hold itself together.  Pool therapy once a week, and office therapy once a week.  Also should look into getting a pregnancy support belt (really?  Homer is the size of a lentil and I already need the support belt?) and getting a yoga ball.  And they had me take today off work.

In food news, I've discovered that smoothies go down well.  Homer's Oma and Opa bought me a blender, and I bought myself some soy protein powder and frozen fruit.  Don't judge me if I end up having two smoothies a day, alright?

Going to continue watching election results come in while drinking a smoothie, knitting, with my knees up.  Happy voting day!

In Which a Fattie Complains About Food

I'm a fattie.  I get it.  This is not a fact that has escaped me, like, ever.

But just because I'm a fattie, it does not mean that I am food-focused, that I eat all the time, or that I eat unhealthy foods all the time.  This is just the way my body is.

Now that I'm pregnant, it has become even more apparent, to me, how actually very little I eat, and how amazingly un-food-focused I am.  I thought all the extra calories/eating for two stuff didn't happen till much later in the pregnancy.   Nope.

No longer can I get away with just having cheese and crackers or a bowl of cereal for a meal.  No longer can I get away with not eating till 3pm on a Saturday.  No longer can I get away with just having a protein bar for breakfast.  No longer can I get away with ordering the small bento box over the large.  Because of long-term health issues, I used to have to stop eating at 8pm, otherwise I'd be sick in the morning.  Now, not only do I have to eat 6-7 times a day, it's also better if I eat one of those times after 8pm!

I have to have a real, protein-laden breakfast around 6-7am (and maybe even a snack before that), another breakfast-y snack about 9:30, big lunch around 11-11:30, another small meal around 2:30, dinner between 5-6:30, a snack around 7:30, and maybe another snack between 8-9pm.  Don't even get me started on how much water and orange juice I'm consuming.

I woke up this morning around 2am, hungry.  I ignored it, to my peril, and went back to bed!  Nausea this morning was cured by delicious cottage cheese pancakes with apple-ginger compote.  But it returned soonly.  Cheese and crackers, cereal, orange juice, seltzer, dried apples, all my snacks are not cutting it.  I need, like, a real meal.  And I just don't have the energy to clean the kitchen and cook it right now!  So, because I let myself get hungry (at 2am!!!) I now have nausea that I can't quite get on top of.  Lesson learned, little Homer.

I may have to take us out for a late lunch.

I'm Not Telling.

I'm still madly in love with my Acupuncturist.

I told him the good news today, and we high-fived.  He's totally "pumped."  He said so several times.  He couldn't stop smiling the whole appointment.  Everything, according to him, is going just right.

And I also don't have to drink that gawd-awful tea anymore.

Apparently, Acupuncturists have a special sort of magic magic where they can predict the sex of the baby with the pulses being stronger on one side over the other.

So, whether, at week six, this is actually diagnostic is up for debate, I still have an idea of what might be.  It coincides with what Thuper Thpermth, Z, my Mother and I all suspect.

But I'm not telling you.  Hah-hah!

It COULD Be a Good Day...

I woke up this morning feeling awesome.  Like, no nausea, no cramps, good energy... a great set up to have a great day.

I ate a protein bar on my drive into work, and started feeling a little iffy.  Maybe it was just a bad ratio of sugar and protein, I told myself.  I started my workday, ate some cottage cheese and crackers, drank some tea, ran some analyses, talked with my engineer... regular stuff.

Some of my office people left for the day, something going on in the Capital City.  I started to feel extra, extra tired and achey.  I started to feel feverish.  My sniffles and sneezes were getting out of control, my throat was getting sore.

At first I thought it was just a more intensely-symptomed pregnancy day, but it appears as though I have the Flu.  I got my flu shot 10 days ago... and it takes two weeks to gain effectiveness.  But I'll be doubley-protected for the season now.

So I celebrate six weeks today by going home with the Flu!  Hooray!

Just put me to bed.

I am really over-tired lately.  I mean, really, I'm growing a whole new organ AND a whole new person.  This is hard work and lovely work that my body is doing.

I broke up with my girlfriend today.  Let's just say it's me and not her, and I hope we stay friends, because she's awesome.

I just need to go to bed and sleep off the day.

I think I'd better eat a little more protein first.

Auntie Z's House

Okay, even though I wanted nothing more than to go straight home after work and go straight to bed tonight, Z convinced me to follow her home with tales of green chile enchiladas (with sour cream, naturally) and a chance to paw through her Goodwill bags before she drops them off.

See, Z lost like 50 gazillion pounds this year after being diagnosed with Diabetes and therefore eating fewer sweets and more vegetables.  Her old clothes don't fit like they once did.  I, too, recently lost some weight (albeit not quite so much), and so I have a little bit of "growing" room in some of my clothes to get me through for awhile, but Auntie Z's treasure-trove of plus-size lovelies was just... so... lovely.

While she slaved away in the kitchen, I put on a fashion show.  For emphasis on how well -- and how long -- these clothes would fit me, I modeled with pillows under my shirt.  Some of the tops are so comfy and loose-fitting that I wouldn't be surprised if they carry me to the end of June!

She sent me home with eight tops, three pairs of pants, two dresses, a skirt and a slip.  And a Partridge in a Pear Tree.  Whereas these goodies were just bound for the Goodwill, I betcha Auntie Z saved me several hundred dollars in in-between clothing.  And so cute!!

Something else Z did for me tonight was introduce Little Homer (or Poppyseed, or Cinnamon Pizza Roll, or McNugget) to our first pregnancy taste aversions.  YES!!!

First taste aversion: Brussels Sprouts.  I love them in real life, but today, NO WAY.
Second taste aversion: Turkey.  It was in the enchiladas.  I ate it, but I secretly wished they were vegetarian enchiladas.  And I drowned them in sour cream.
Third taste aversion: Cheesecake-Flavored Pudding.  I couldn't even stand the smell of it.  In real life, I think it's delicious.  Even if it doesn't really taste like cheesecake.

Now it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay past my bedtime and so I'll say Goodnight.

GOODNIGHT!

Poppyseed Represent!

Let's add some more things to the list today, shall we?

Tender breasts.

Constipation.

Also, Indian food was not the way to go last night.  Yikes.

Carry on!

And There It Is.

Dear Magic Baby Stick,

Am I pregnant for real?

Love, 

Big Dyke Mama

This is from yesterday morning, and all I wanted to do when I got home from work yesterday was sleep, so you get it today.  Sorry it's fuzzy, but it was 5:15am and I wasn't into fucking with the camera.  And I may or may not have been too busy jumping up and down.  So, there it is.  It's real.

Had a bit of trouble focusing at work yesterday, as you might imagine.  And we're now up to THREE co-workers who've asked me if I'm pregnant in the last few days.  So something's up.  Was someone peeking over my shoulder when I was filling out the intake form for flu shots the other day and checked the "pregnant" box?  Cos they gotta know that's 1) illegal and 2) bad form to barrage me with questions to try to get the scoop.

In theory, no scoop till Christmastime, but this Mama's no good at secrets and I may not last that long.  I'm pretty sure I'll tell my boss in a week or so.

Lessons learned yesterday:  Protein is your BFF.  I started out the morning with a co-worker's homemade cinnamon rolls (I hate cinnamon rolls, but had been craving them.  Weird.) but a few minutes later I just wanted to toss them.  Early morning sugar=ohgawdkillmenow.  I ran across the street and had them make me a breakfast burrito with tofu in place of eggs, and that settled everything out.  I am going to have to keep a tub of cottage cheese handy in the work fridge and a pack of jerky in my desk.  Give this Mama her protein and nobody gets hurt.

Also, I am digesting food at lightning speed.  Usually, meals would sit in my belly for hours.  That's just not happening right now.  I am going to have to start carrying Luna Bars in my purse.

Also, bleeding gums is a real thing.  My mouth feels crazy-torn-up.  I have a dentist appointment in November, so I think I'll just hang tight until then, gently brushing and flossing as usual.

I haven't noticed any food/smell aversions yet, but the weird cravings I've had so far for things that I don't normally like are: Cinnamon Rolls (like I mentioned before), Orange Juice, Pizza, and Spaghetti & Meatballs.  <-- I know.  It's unAmerican to dislike these things.  But it's just the way it is.

 

But yesterday I had a nice lunch with Aunt J, and then Z came by my desk with a card and celebratory Russian chocolate.  Gawd, I love Russian chocolate.

~~~~

This morning I woke up and my first thought was, "Why do I feel like I have to barf?"

OH YEAH.

Welcome to Morning Sickness!  Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooooooooo!

Could it be true?

Seriously heart-breaking couple o' weeks we've had here -- I think there is some universal astrological nonsense that has been stirred up -- so I almost hesitate to post good (!!!) news.

Three positive pregnancy tests.  For reals.  Although, the test line is waaaaay lighter than the control line.  Like too pale to photograph.  Because I totally would post you a picture if I could.  But I'm pretty sure that pale lines still count.

And because three tests are not enough for this good-news skeptic (not usually, just lately), I'm totally testing again in the morning, but this time, we're going digital, baby.

I'll call the doctor soon.

Also, today two co-workers asked me, in unrelated, random conversations, if I was pregnant.  This must be coming off me like diesel fumes.

Fingers, toes, and legs crossed!  Stick, Little Homer*! Stick!

*Little Homer: my Cute Dad came up with this one.  Homer, fortunately or un-, is a family name, and Dadzilla has promised me fortunes if I use "Homer" in a child's name.  So until we come up with something better....

Here We Go!

Did I mention that we're having a tough week?  Blah.

We were able to get in three inseminations (Monday, Tuesday and Thursday), and that was all we could muster in our SHOCK AND AWWWW strategy amidst the chaos.  I'm feeling pretty confident, and just trying to carry on business-as-usual.

My girlfriend and I were able to go out on a real date last night -- it had been about three weeks due to the various nonsense going on in our respective lives.  I ate my fish portion for the week, as now I have to start eating for Schrodinger's Zygote.  I also had an adult beverage, but don't tell anyone (what?  It's not like anything would have implanted yet).

This afternoon is prayers at M.O.L.'s place.... I have handfuls of people I need to pray for today, including myself.

Would appreciate any and all smooth-sailing and baby-shaped thoughts and prayers you want to send out into the Universe!  Welcome to the TWW!

Cry Cry Cry

Okay, based on the number of concerned phone calls, texts, and emails I've received, you guys are worried about me.  I get it.  I haven't posted in a few weeks, and you wonder if I'm still crying.

Well, I am.  Although it's not from not being pregnant, it's other stuff relating to other people in my life.  Let's just say that Cancer and Heart Disease can suck a bag of dicks.  I've cried so damn much today.  And then I chopped onions for soup and that didn't help.

October marks the last month of my contract with Thuper Thperms.  In November, Thuper Thperms is asking for a break, and December and January I'm busy/traveling, so if October doesn't take, and we decide to renew, then nothing's gonna happen till February.

So October's strategy is SHOCK AND AWE; or, since we're talking about babies, SHOCK AND AWWWW!  We started two days before ovulation and the plan was to hit it every. damn. day. until that temperature spike.  But here we are, day three, and we're all so weary from worrying about and taking care of our loved ones (see above notes regarding Cancer and Heart Disease), that we couldn't muster it and punked out.  I hope we can pick it back up tomorrow, cos time's a-wastin'.

I'm trying to NOT think about what happens if this month doesn't take.  What I AM thinking about is the circular nature of life.  Out of something bad comes something good and vicey-versey.  With all the suck going on around me, could it be to usher in something wonderful?

Good-night, all.  If you want to come by for dinner tomorrow, I'll have an autumn-squash soup and gf/df biscuits.  And a syringe full of genetic material, although that doesn't go in your mouth. 

BFN #4

My period came a day early this time.  So, not pregnant.

My girlfriend held me while I cried.  God, I cried so hard.  Thick, hot tears.

I knew this wouldn't be easy.  Nothing is easy for me.

But still.

Later we went out to the farm for a Virgo Birthday Luau.  Snuggled with the littles who came with their parents, talked with other friends who are also wishing for babies, drank all the wine I wanted, and slept snuggled up with a sweet lady under the stars.

Schrodinger's Zygote

Ahhh... back in the throes of the Two-Week Wait.

While sleeping at night, I keep dreaming of babies.  One where I had a boy and he had siblings.  One where I had a girl and was nursing and trying to figure out the daycare situation.

I keep feeling like we're nearing the end, like we've almost got it.  Upon spying the little container on my countertop that Thuper Thpermth uses for deposits, my first thought was, "Oh!  I've got to return that soon since we're done with it," and then, "Oh! Wait...."   That was weird, and kinda cool.  Like, are we really done?  Does my Spidey-Sense tingle with knowledge that the rest of me does not know yet?  Did we make a baby?

But this morning, my poor little hemorrhoid-y butt (overshare?) just really wanted a soak in the tub.  And I, not thinking especially clearly, drew myself a lovely hot bath.  I soaked for about 15 minutes before I remembered my Obstetrician's advice to only take body-temperature baths. I leapt out and sat naked near an open window to lower my body temp a bit.

I'm REALLY SORRY, Schrodinger's Zygote*.  I hope that the fact that I bypassed the free wine at last night's Planned Parenthood Gala makes up for my temporary oversight.

Still have a few more days till we know anything.... temps are high, I'm tired all the time, and I find myself snacking all day to keep my belly settled.  Keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

* I thought I was clever with this Schrodinger's Zygote thing... since you have to live simultaneously as if both scenarios are true.  But upon Google inspection, it turns out other people have thought of it, too.  Something to do with Doctor Who?  Everyone keeps recommending this show to me, and it's in my Netflix queue....

In which Aunt Flo Visits My House of Fun

Okay, 3 BFNs and I still wasn't convinced that the tests were right.  I mean, My period was two days late, I felt like crap, and even my acupuncturist winked at me when he was talking about "healthy" reasons that my pulse might be up.

And then I started spotting, and then, well, it was a gusher.  So, yeah.  Those tests were right.  Not pregnant for realzies.

So, today I have a sushi date, and then I'm going to spend the weekend with friends at a cabin in the woods picking huckleberries.  This will be healing, I'm quite convinced, especially if there is wine involved.

In the meantime, I will working on visualization, setting up, and talking to this babe like it's already here.  And I'm sure that the Syringe-Wielding Goddess will be down with having her hands in my junk again.

Onward!

TWW Blues

I think everyone hates the Two-Week-Wait.  It's a strange existence to have to live one's days as if one is really pregnant (no sushi, no blue cheese, no wine) and be watching every twinge for glimmers of what might be.  And yet, trying not to get too hopeful so that disappointment might hurt less.

8 DPO, negative test.  Really, it was just too early, but, the box says "six days before your missed period," so I just had to check.  Just in case.

Today, 12 DPO, negative test.  Could still be too early, right?  Not all the hormones have started building up enough to be able to be processed by my kidneys, right?  It gets harder to remain optimistic, with two days to go before my period is due, even though false negatives are entirely within the realm of possibility.

Here are the symptoms I've noticed that could mean pregnancy, or could mean nothing:  2-day migraine, nausea early morning and late at night, tiredness, irritability, sleeplessness, darker areolas and montgomery glands, tender nipples, high temperatures, back pain, twinges in lower abdomen.  All these showed up about a week ago, and some of them show up for me in the days right before my period.  But when my period wasn't due for another 1-1/2 weeks, it made be start thinking what other hormone shifts might be going on in my body...

I went picnicking with two friends yesterday, both medical professionals.  I related to them my list of symptoms, and one said, "Is this your way of telling us you are pregnant?"  No, but it's me telling you about how unsure I am about what this might look like or feel like.

Their advice?  Talk to the baby like it's already here.  Like it's already growing in your belly.  Like it's already giggling in your arms.  Let that baby know how great life is going to be living in your house, with you, the Mama.

In the evening, I went to Prayer Circle.  Everyone there knows about my Fertility Quest.  They all tell me not to worry; that babies are on their way.  And I guess I'm not worried about that part; I know somehow, some way, children will end up in my lap.  But still, I guess, I worry.

The other thing that a couple of people said to me last night, was that I need to set up the baby's things, so I can show I'm prepared and expectant.  Set up a bed, set up a room... this seems to counter to what I've thought about this process all along.  Yes, I do have a few baby things, and yes, a few of them are out, but set up, not really.  It always seemed to me that you don't acquire too many things before the baby is born (or even conceived, yipes!) because you are asking for trouble.  But because the advice that I got from my picnic friends and my prayer friends, I'm starting to rethink this.

After prayers last night, I came home and took out all the junk that was piled in the cradle (I have the cradle that my sister and I were rocked in, built by my grandfather).  I put on a sheet, put on a cozy knit blanket, set a couple of rattles and toys and started talking.  "See?  Look what a cozy bed Mama has made for you. We can sleep, we can play, we can cuddle, and we can rock.  We can sing, we can dance, we can read, and we can dream."

It still feels really weird to do this.  Sure, I do it in my head all the time -- planning out a room, thinking about what I can offer a child -- but out loud, in real life and with purpose is something new and different, because I thought we really weren't supposed to.  Was I doing it backwards?  

So with my new thinking patterns, maybe something will shift in the Universe and we really can bring this being into existence.  I'm hoping.

Two thoughts.

So in addition to squeezing in a couple of inseminations this week, I've also been able to squeeze in a couple of dates.

WHAT?! HOW CAN YOU DATE AT A TIME LIKE THIS?!

I don't know.  I just can.  Plus, she's cute and fun.

WELL, DID YOU TELL HER WHAT YOU ARE UP TO?!

Yep.  Right at the start.  It's kind of a big deal.

BUT ISN'T SHE FREAKING OUT?!

Probably, but so far so good, I think.

BUT HOW ON EARTH WILL SHE HANDLE....?!

She will, or she won't.  And we'll all just communicate and process until we stop.  And whatever will be will be.  And we'll figure out what to do with that.

WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK THAT....

I know, honey.  I know.  This is all very complicated.  I probably won't handle it the way you want.  I might not even handle it the way I want.  I'm just going to roll with it and see what happens.

In the meantime, I have two alternating thoughts:

1) Sticky-baby-starfish thoughts, and

2) I-hope-there's-more-kissing thoughts.

Sweet Dreams!

Syringe-Wielding Goddess, or, It Takes a Village

Now that I am partner-less and doing this baby thing on my own (which I have absolutely no problem with, let me state for the record), I still do need somebody to help me out on insemination days... to be the go-between from Thuper Thpermth and Big Dyke Mama, to help get my butt properly propped up on pillows, and to wield that syringe and inject that genetic material in a way that I just can't with my little T-Rex arms.

Obviously, I need somebody who isn't going to fuck it up and someone who isn't going to be weirded out by having their hands all up in my junk.

I had a short list of friends to ask -- really, really short -- and thank goodness my top pick (the lovely D) said, "yes."  She's a doula and a mom, and we may or may not have tiny crushes on each other.  Yay!

So now that that part is squared away, I think we're all on board to start up this baby makin' again next week.  It takes a village...

Back in the saddle!

Hey there!

So let me fill you in a little bit, since it's been awhile since I posted!

May and June were duds.  As far as I could tell, I didn't ovulate.  But I was traveling for large chunks of time, and dealing with stress at home (like-troubles-with-my-partner stress).  Doesn't make for good baby-makin'.

So now we're looking at the end of July/ start of August to start up again, and I've got Thuper Thpermth on board.  I'm doing less traveling, and enjoying less stress... my partner left me and it seems to be more of a blessing than not.  Funny how things turn out that way sometimes.

Today is about self-care, and I've got the day off work.  After a beauty appointment, I'm getting a 1-1/2 hour massage.  Then probably coming home and baking or gardening.  The weather has cooled way off today and tootling around the house sounds like a marvelous way to spend a day.

I have a beautiful life.

BFN #2

Negatory, good buddy.

Too bad, because I kinda wanted an Aquarius babe.

Newfangled Contraptions

So, here we are in the throes of the Two Week Wait.  It's already been a week and a day, so we have less than a week to go.

HERE'S WHAT'S FUNNY (to me):  If'n I ain't pregnert, my period will show up next Saturday-the-12th-ish.  So I keep telling people who ask, "We'll know next Saturday."  But the thing is that so many newfangled pregnancy tests can be taken (and with 60-70% accuracy) 4-6 days in advance of any missed period.  They just get more and more accurate the closer you get to the missed period (duh).  So, in theory, I could know today.

So, if you were me, how early would you start testing?  Like, do I stop by Walgreen's on my way home from brunch this afternoon, or do I wait a few days, or do I wait till Saturday?  Or do I buy a three-pack so I can do all those things?

I might just do that....

Now, wave your legs in the air!

Wave 'em like you just don't care!

Hi there, Big Dyke Mama coming to you live from her bedroom, where she is presently waving her legs in the air post-insemination.  TMI, you say?  Tough titties.  This is my fertility blog, and I can blog with my legs in the air if I want to.

So it turns out that I still have a 14-day luteal phase, even with the longer cycle.  Duly noted.  Because nothing happened last weekend, I suspected that we might see signs this weekend if we were going to see them at all.

So true!  Eggwhite, craving crunchy salad, horny, positive OPK.  Done.  Invited Thuper Thpermth over for dins and, well, etcetera.

So that leaves us here, legs up, and bored.  But we're getting to about that time that I can get up and move around.  You know, have some ice cream, take Thuper Thpermth home, watch movies on the sofa and whatnot.  Really wish I could hop in the bath, but that's a bad idea tonight.  Fingers crossed, friends!  Think baby-shaped thoughts!

 

Gonna take awhile for this egg to hatch

(Thanks, Liz Phair!)

Nothing's happened here yet at the Ovum Office.  I thought we might begin seeing signs of ovulation on Saturday, but nay.  Here we are on Tuesday, and nothing.

Crazy long cycle!

I've given Thuper Thpermth a heads-up and they're thanding by.

Fuzzy Math

So, due to the Chinese herbs prescribed by my acupuncturist (which WILL improve my chances of getting pregnant, he assures me), my cycles are waaaay longer than usual.  

When I'm getting laid regularly (like I am these days -- yay, sexy partner!), my cycle evens out at about 30 days, without much variation.  (I apologize if this is TMI, but when I'm not getting laid, my cycles are all! over! the! place!)  Since I've been on these herbs, it stretched out to 38 days.

I know what you are thinking -- Hey!  Fewer periods?  Where can I get me some Wen Jing Tang? -- and I'm right there with you.  But whilst we quest ever-onward toward fertility, it makes things a little difficult.  Do I start to map out my predicted fertile days based off a 14-day luteal phase?  Or a 22-day luteal phase?  Or something in-between?  I've been seriously charting for about 9 months, and only 1 of those months is 38 days long.  How I am supposed to tell?

I like to give the donor some notice so that schedules can be cleared and what-not.  I like to give a fairly tight window, and I've been able to track that so far.  Where I used to be able to get a 3-5 day window, this time I can only narrow it down to a 9-day window.

I'm not stressed about it on my end, I'm mostly just stressed about it as far as being fair to the donor.  

But who says that life -- especially the fertility-questing part of life -- is fair?

BFN

First off, I have to say that I love women in ties.  Do the security guards at my office have any idea how much I love to watch them?  My heart flutters.

In other news, not pregnant.  My cycle is longer than it has been previously, so it's going to take a little bit of fuzzy math to figure out when my fertile days are for April.

In any case, fertility quest onward!

Probably not... but maybe

Three negative tests... but my period is many days late.

But I'm on Chinese herbs from my Acupuncturist that mess with my cycle a bit... but my temps have been high.

I'm nauseous like WHOA... but I have so many belly issues, nausea is not abnormal.

So probably not... but maybe?

First Inseminations

My close friend LC has been "in the know" about my fertility quest pretty much since the beginning.  I try to keep her in the loop about all the ups and downs, and I know she watches this blog.  (Hey, LC!) It hasn't been updated in awhile because my computer died and I haven't replaced it, and my internet access is limited.  Text has been the main way I've been communicating with people.

So, Tuesday, LC texts me (only slightly editted for content):

LC: Are you updating your blog this month?
BDM: Will update blog eventually! 'Puter still dead.
LC: Ah! That totally makes sense!
BDM: PS. Tonight might be the night! Trying to choreograph the evening.
LC: OMFG!!!!
BDM: Right??! Holy F***ing Sh**!
LC: I think this exchange should go in the baby book.
BDM: Agreed.  Hilarious!
LC:  :)

Later that evening... afterwards....

BDM: Aaaaaand done. Aaaaaand ew.
LC: Syringe too cold?
BDM: Nope. Just full of slimy genetic material. Ew!
LC: It is slimy, isn't it. Bleah
LC: Are you hanging out with your legs in the air?
BDM: Actually, yes!
LC: Ha! I knew it! Don't forget to orgasm, it helps your cervix to scoop it up. (if me telling you to just go have an orgasm isn't irony...)
BDM: Already did. Yay!
BDM: Also going in the baby book.  :)
LC: This should all go in the book.  Hi future baby, I hope by the time you read this you love me enough to forgive us!

If it never makes it to the baby book, it at least made it to the blog!

This Ain't Easy

One of the reasons why I've stepped up my fertility quest recently is because I recently found a donor.  Yes, it's someone I know and love.  I was a big chicken about asking -- seriously, that's fucking scary! -- but this person mentioned their interest in another conversation, and, well, it developed from there.

We've had some beautiful discussions and contract negotiations, that further my positive feelings that this is the right person.  We are not interested in co-parenting, but even still, we are on the same page on many issues.  I love having real, adult conversations about really emotionally-charged topics, and having them like very mature adults!  I'm so glad that we're all grown-ups and can handle these things with grace and composure.  THIS AIN'T EASY, but doing it with the right people makes a huge difference.

So the contract is largely written, but still needs some tweaks.  Some great resources that I've used in building my contract are Single Mothers by Choice. and www.MaiaMidwifery.com.  My very good friend Z has been acting as legal counsel during negotiations, and while she pushes buttons and brings up topics we don't want to think/talk about, she's making sure that all bases are covered.

I'm feeling quite proud of myself lately.  THIS AIN'T EASY, but I'm checking all the little boxes and getting it done.  Tonight, I plan on curling up on the sofa with my herbal tea and perusing the book that arrived at my door today: Big, Beautiful & Pregnant.  Fatties need love too, and I've been hearing good things about this book.

Good night!  --BDM

Doctor Appointments

So, I'm in the process of switching primary care physicians (PCPs), and I scheduled an appointment with my new PCP  (Dr. M) for mid-March.  Wanting to start inseminations in early March, I asked her advice on medication I'm on and its effects on conception and pregnancy.  She doesn't have some special OB something something that she needs to advise me on such matters, so she sends me to Dr. G, an obstetrician.

I try to make an appointment with Dr. G, but he reviews my chart, and places me in the "high risk" category.  It is not mentioned the reason(s) I'm high-risk (I'm 35, fat, and have high blood pressure, so it could be any one of those things). He can't advise high-risk patients, so he sends me to Dr. T.  Apparently, Dr. T is some super-specialist?

My appointment with Dr. T is in late February, which is good timing.  While I'm a little woogedy about being dubbed "high-risk," if it gets me into see the doctors sooner, then that's fine by me.

In other health news, I'm in love with my Acupuncturist.  And I mean that in a purely professional, non-gender-specific way.  He's been working with me for about a month and, based on how well I've been responding to treatment, he's very optimistic about my chances of becoming pregnant.  He even prescribed some magic chinese herbs that are going to help prep my body.  They taste like ginger-y bile, but totally tolerable.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment with Dr. P, my Chiropractor.  I haven't talked with him about fertility, but I'm going to use some time tomorrow to give him a heads-up.  I really want to attack this from all sides.  My health is strongest when I handle it really holistically, so I believe that I should handle my fertility in a similar manner.

Wish me luck!

Big Dyke Mama

If you know me at all, you might be aware that I don't do anything right.  Or fast.  Or within any average social conventions.

Nope.

Also, if you know me at all, you are likely aware of how much I love children and that I've wanted to be a mom since I was in preschool.

Really.

So, how does a person who wants babies -- but who does everything backwards -- have babies?  We're gonna find out.

Yep.

Big Dyke Mama on a fertility quest.

Yeehaw!